arise lazarus

So guess who I might be getting drinks with on Thursday?  The surgeon.

And guess how long it’s been since our last date?  About FOUR months.

I don’t hear from this guy in FOREVER and then in the last month, I got two message from him (while he was in Korea visiting family, so we’re talking international here) and two emails.  I’ve responded to much of it but he doesn’t really respond much past the initial contact.  It’s like having a conversation end two sentences in.

I don’t get it.  Anyone care to proffer an explanation?  Seriously.  I’m confused.

this is why you’re single: #1

I confess that I’ve not been good with follow through lately.  Work has sapped up all my energy and so everything else my life is prioritized as follows:

1. Must accomplish now or I will die (e.g. eating, other basics necessary to survival);
2. It would be a great idea if you did this and I should do this soon (e.g. bill pay, grocery shopping, ensuring that I do not live in filth);
3. It would be a good idea if I did this but I can probably get away with not doing it for a while (e.g. gym, filing, organizing, etc.)
4. Seriously? Do I have to do this? I ‘d rather get a root canal (e.g. cleaning toilets, going to the DMV, etc.).

I think for a while dating fell under category 3 and as work slowly sapped up my will to live, it quickly dropped to category 4.  This means that I stopped checking my Match account for days (if not weeks) at a time.  This means I was not answering emails, following up on dates, etc.  I wasn’t being mean about it or blowing people off.  I was just living my life and honestly, work stress aside, it felt pretty great.  Dating stopped being this “thing” on my checklist.

A few weeks before I dropped off the dating radar, a guy had contacted me on Match.  I wasn’t bowled over but he was Korean, well educated, gainfully employed, not my dad’s age, and seemed to still have all of his teeth and a full head of hair.  (This, btw, is what now passes as decent.  You should see the guys I don’t email back.)  We emailed for a while, tried to work out a time to meet, but with my travel schedule, it was too hard to nail down a date.  I emailed him but didn’t hear back so I forgot about it for a while.

Last week at work was slow so I (foolishly) decided to move dating up the priorities list.  I reached out and contacted the guy.  (It’d probably been two weeks since I last emailed him.”)  His response?

• “Hi Sara. It’s nice to hear from you.  I thought you were avoiding me like the plague!  Yeah, let me know what your schedule looks like…I’m sure it’s much easier for me to fit my schedule around yours rather than the other way around. Hope all your work stuff is going well.”

Plague?!  First of all, I’m the last one to email him.  Shame on him for not writing back.  Second, if I was avoiding him, why the hell would I unprompted be contacting him?

This should’ve been a red flag but I’m either an idiot or way too nice for my own good.  Tuesday I was out to dinner with an old friend from law school.  I missed a phone call from him.  He doesn’t leave a voice mail but rather goes for the text message:

• “Hi Sara. I hope you don’t mind.  I just tried calling you. Anyhow, Thursday works for me.  Around 8 or 8:30 would be good but whatever works for you.”

Uhm OK.  First, if I gave you my phone #, I think that means I’m OK with you calling me.  What’s up with the apology?  Second, I’m not chained to my cell phone 24/7 (thankfully) so it’s possible that if you call me, you will not reach me.  This is not because I’m avoiding you or screening your call.  It’s because I’m busy doing something else.

Red flag #2 but again, apparently I’m all about giving people the benefit of the doubt.  We were supposed to meet last night but as luck would have it, two partners walked into my office at 5:30 and dropped a ton of work on my desk.  I hate last minute cancellations and I work hard to avoid them, but this was just not something I could’ve foreseen or planned around.  I texted a profuse apology and explained why I couldn’t make it.  (This guy has a JD so I thought he of all people would understand the demands my profession can sometimes make on a person.)  His response:

• “Are you sure you’re not avoiding me like the plague?”

Again with the plague references!  WHAT GIVES?  At this point I’m seven kinds of irritated and annoyed.  My response:

• “No I’m still at the office and will be for a long time.  But if you’re upset about it and don’t want to meet I understand.  I work a lot.”

And his response:

• “Man. Your partners are brutal.  I’m find with rescheduling as long as you’re being honest.”

At this point, I’m ticked off because this guy, a virtual stranger, is insinuating that I’m lying to him.  As someone who takes honesty and integrity pretty seriously, I’m just plain offended.  I’ve done nothing to indicate any sort of dishonesty.  Work is nuts.  I have a life outside of work that does not revolve around him.  I did my best to try to meet him but it just didn’t work out.  I haven’t responded to the last text.  Frankly, I’m still pissed off.

So this guy’s “are you avoiding me like the plague” prophesy has fulfilled itself.  THIS is why this guy is still single.  And this may be the only time in recorded history that I will be grateful that someone dropped a ton of work on my desk at 5:30.  Bullet dodged?

on love

Several different explanations of love, although I particularly liked this one:

“While I kept my heart to myself, I never had a single morning of anguish or a single night of insomnia. Since I fell in love, my life has been a sequence of anguish, losses, confusion. I think that God, by using love, managed to hide hell in the middle of Paradise.”

Which is not all that different from some wisdom that a dear old friend recently emailed me when she was trying to console me about the pitiful state of my love life:

“The only thing anyone ever told me about relationships/dating, etc. that turned out to be true had to do with intention.  I hate to say it (because I hated hearing it), things never really worked for me until I stopped giving a shit.  Then I got to run into all the fun emotional mess of relationships.  That’s what gets me.  Everyone makes you feel odd for not being paired or not having “found”someone, but they neglect to tell you about all the bullshit they go through in a relationship.”

In my lonelier moments, I try to remind myself that the good part of relationships also come with plenty of bad. 

cougar town

Yesterday, a friend of mine sent me this hilarious (and horrifying) tale of internet dating.  I needed a good laugh, especially after learning that I may already be a cougar.  Face.  Palm.

shelter from the storm

I meant to post this months ago when I first saw it.  If this story doesn’t make you alternately laugh your ass off and bawl like a baby, you have no soul.  Seriously though, hearing love stories like this makes me think that maybe putting myself out there could somehow be worth it in the end.

ennui shower

Wow. I didn’t mean to let this space languish again for so long. Apologies to the one maybe two people still reading this sad, sad patch of the interwebz.  My six months on match.com is up in three days.  Seeing as how I’ve jumped through all their hoops (kept my profile active and visible, contacted at least 5 guys a month, etc.) and still not found the love of my life (or frankly, for that matter, a guy I’d like to see more than once), I believe that I now qualify for another six months for free.  (Joy!)

The other day a friend I hadn’t talked to in a few weeks wanted to talk online dating.  I reacted in a way that surprised me.  I basically shut down.  I cut her off and I told her I didn’t want to talk about it.  Here’s the deal.  I’m not bitter.  I’ just tired.  Really fucking tired.  I’m tired of talking about it.  I’m tired of thinking about it.  I’m tired of dissecting dates and trying to make sense of men or their motives.  I’m extremely tired of the raised eyebrows and muffled snickers when I tell people that I’ve been on 14 lackluster dates in six months.  And I swear, if one more person glibly says “Oh honey, you just gotta keep putting yourself out there” I just might punch someone in the throat.  In short, this stopped being fun a very long time ago.

My schedule this past month was insane.  Non-stop travel.  Stomach churning, ulcer inducing responsibilities and tasks at work.  Late nights at the office. Very little sleep.  In many respects it was one of the the worst and most exhilarating stretches since coming to Chicago but I realized something then.  I stopped worrying about being single or finding someone.  I worked hard.  I lived my life.  I surrounded myself with good people whenever possible.  I ate very well.  I even went on a few dates (Nos. 13 & 14 in case you’re still keeping count) although I didn’t particularly care for either.  But life ceased to revolve around the mission of finding the “one” or even “someone” right now and that felt pretty awesome.

The last few weeks have not been without their moments but I’ve felt more like myself than I have in a while.  I don’t know what this means for me and dating?  I hate falling back on cliches but I have to believe that when I truly stop giving a shit, maybe someone nice will roll along.

wait for it. wait for it.

Holy sh*t.  Has it been over a month since I’ve posted here?   Moreover, is anyone still reading this?  In any case, apologies.  I’ve actually been on TWO dates in the last month but I’ve been stretched in 50 directions–traveling for work, working mad hours, entertaining out of town guests–and way too busy to write.  I’ll be hitting the road again for work Friday but I promise when I return I will tell all here.